Remember the "Say Yes to Everything" movement? It was (is) problematic. Not only for the inevitable burnout, but also because it undermines the constant discernment we undergo in making decisions. For that matter, I don't believe that No deserves the bad rap it gets - in my world, no means prioritising and setting boundaries (unless you're saying no to everything, in which case you might want to check out my previous post on Avoidance).
All that said, I myself am quite prone to saying yes. Often. Just say yes, and worry about the details later - for a long time, this was my modus operandi (plus, Tina Fey said it - so it must be a good idea). I wish I could tell you that it's because I have boundless energy (hardly) or a fearless sense of adventure (ha). No and no. While many of my endeavours do stem from genuine motivation and interest, much of my discomfort in turning down experiences can be summed up as "if other people are able to pull it off, why shouldn't I?" Looking back, this has applied to my career, parenting, travel, and meal preparation. While I have reaped undeniable benefits from aiming high and taking a lot on, I am also no stranger to burnout and distractedness. Saying yes is a package deal.
That's why, a few years ago, I was delighted to stumble across the term "FoMO." Fear of Missing Out. Already added into the venerable Oxford English Dictionary (2013) and possibly coming soon to a DSM near you, FoMO has been touted as the modern malaise - a byproduct, perhaps, of seeing ourselves and others through the filtered lenses of social media. When FoMO governs our actions (as opposed to genuine motivation, intuition and rationale), we say yes out of anxiety - a sense of dread that if we turn the other way, we'll miss an opportunity.
I don't believe it is. The psychotherapist and great thinker Dr. Irvin Yalom identifies that making choices has historically been one of the primary sources of our collective existential anxiety. The anxiety comes from two things. Firstly, knowing that we alone have the freedom and the power to take action that is true to ourselves provides us then with the responsibility to make those choices matter. Secondly - and importantly for the purpose of understanding FoMO - committing to something invariably means relinquishing the possibility of something else. Choosing one partner, one job, one home, one event, means missing out on the possibility of others. This is why Fear of Missing Out, and a general difficulty in making decisions, is part of the human condition.
All of this is complicated by the reality that it is sometimes hard to tell where the true motivation for our choices lie. As a therapist, I often find myself with people who are at a decision point of some sort, and the role I play is to create a safe space to not only look at the content of the decisions themselves, but to also examine the sometimes competing motivations that make the process itself difficult. Here are some questions that you can ask yourself, when you feel torn or paralysed by choice, to help you act based on congruence, rather than FoMO:
When's the last time I made a decision that felt really right to me?
How were you able to say yes to something that would inevitably relinquish other possibilities, even appealing ones? How were you able to trust yourself? Feeling right, by the way, does not mean the decision was easy or straightforward, and it doesn't mean that there was no indecisiveness. If there was indecisiveness, all the more reason to examine how you were able to drill down through that to make this decision. And on that note:
In general, how much do I tend to trust myself?
Because trusting oneself makes it easier to say no to this and yes to that. A wavering sense of trust in oneself leads to a lot of second guessing and opinion asking.
Think of all the minor and major decisions you have made in the past few months, and take an inventory of your style and motivations for making these decisions.
This is a valuable way of identifying all of the aforementioned competing forces at play when you make decisions. Are you a ruminator? Prone to impulsivity, just to get the decision made already? Do you relentlessly seek guidance, or do you rely strongly on your own intuition and gut feelings. We might be confident decision makers in one area and more tentative in others. It's important to also look at small decisions here, as they are microcosms for how we handle the bigger impasses in life. Remember, this is an inventory to help you understand your patterns, not an opportunity for self-judgment.
How does fear influence your decision making?
Fear works its way into how we live our lives and how we choose to spend our time. Fear factors prominently into our decision making. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of judgment, fear of uncertainty - and yes, you guessed it - fear of missing out! The question is always not IF we fear, but WHAT we fear, and HOW we manage it when it comes up.
Signing off - my Oscars FoMO prevails!